Archive for October, 2009

Belonging

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , on October 31, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

I have made a couple of new friends and in the last couple of weeks and it feels very good to find like minded people to talk to that understand. I am also appreciative of the support and responses I am getting to my questions. I like the attention I have gotten from a couple of the ladies, but they know I have someone who is guiding me and all I am seeking is friendship and knowledge.

I found an online study group dealing with kundalini and have been researching kundalini emergence.

I keep getting the message from within to take everything slowly and not hurry. I can hardly wait until next week when my banishment is over and I can talk to my friend again, I have a lot to share with Her.

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Energy, Grounding and at Peace

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 28, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

I found a few article on ‘submissive mythology’ and ‘submissive emergence’ the threads that the author discussed were very interesting, I saw so many of the patterns of my life in her articles.

I keep noticing how I am grounding and how energy is moving through me, with each day I feel a stillness within and my thoughts keep slowing down. I can get lost in this moment as I breath, the flow of energy runs right through me to the center of the earth.

I’m at peace today.

Seeking Approval

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 27, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

I’m almost embarrased to write about this, how old am I now and I still look for approval outside of myself. I know it is a need that we have, I’ve read enough books over the years. We humans a social creatures and week seek approval to be validated and I know it is not a good thing to be seeking it solely outside of ourselves. I know in some areas of my life I feel strong and I do not need it, yet is some I still look to others.

Over the last couple of weeks I keep noticing how I catch myself from saying something that I normally would just to impress someone in some way. I think that a lot of what I have been reading in Fetlife has been influencing my thinking. I find myself asking just before I speak, why am I doing this and I notice that I want to impress someone with what I have learned, am I sharing from my heart and not my head.

I have also noticed and realized that when my feelings are strong and I write something I want to post that I have been stepping back and not posting and giving myself time to consider what I have written until I have had sometime to get centered and calm down.

I am seeing shifts in my behavior and personality, this urge to slow down and be at peace with myself has been showing up a great deal.

I have spent enough time in therapy to understand there is a boy who never got the love he needed at the time and wants to be held, sometimes that feeling still shows up and I can feel the hurt from years long past. And now even that feels different, because when I decided to leave my marriage, I felt a new strength showing up, because I am a learning to value myself first.

I spent the last two years coming to terms with myself that I wanted out of my marriage and I know what I want in my next relationship, but for right now I want to discover who I am, because I lost myself in the marriage.

 

At Peace

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on October 26, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

I like where I am at today and even this now moment. I keep noticing that I am slowing down and not rushing anything, everything will unfold in its own time. I know something is happening I am noticing during my interactions with people that where I would normally interject a few comments, that I am holding back. Funny how I do not want to impress anyone or seek their approval and that has been a big deal, look at me see how smart I am.

I came across a new grounding meditation and I like how I am feeling and the flow of energy.

My Reality Has Been Shaken

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 25, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

My path is important to me and it has led me to many places in my life and within myself. And now I find myself here exploring a dark and beautiful world.

I have been making the effort to educate myself to understand what I have been feeling all my life and have finally found a label which makes sense to me. I can see the threads in my life where my submissive nature longed to be fed, the intense desire I have for deep intimate connections. The hunger I feel is all encompassing, it drives me to learn, to explore, to feel this life and all its sensations, to have someone play this instrument that is my body and to feel the music as they play with me, to connect with someone to serve and be devoted.

It is like everything is falling apart and coming together at the same time.

Someone told me one cannot submit in a vacumn they were wrong, you can, you just don’t get what you want, but you can still give.

Emergence

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 24, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

My illusions are falling away.

When I first came across BDSM I thought it was simply people getting their kink on, there is so much more to this world. It is a place of spiritual rebirth for those willing to look within themselves and step outside of box of societal conditioning.

A New Freedom

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 23, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

I love all the insights that have been showing up recently. I have been feeling this wonderful sense of freedom over the last couple of weeks, I feel free, free to live my life the way I want, do what I want. Looking back I keep wonder why did I let this happen to me, why did I put myself in a situation where I felt like the most important parts of me were cut off and dying. I feel like I have a whole new life in front of me, Hmmmmm… lol this will be number 3.

I love it, I have already lived two lives in one life time and now I get another, the world just got a little bit bigger and brighter. I am very grateful to a friend who believes in me, sometimes we need someone to believe in us, until we can do it for ourselves.