my Journey The Beginning

My  journey in discovering my submissive nature.

Standing where I am in my life today and looking back I can see, I have been submissive all my life, the urge to love and serve a woman as been there almost from the beginning. I can remember when I was in first grade and thinking that women are these beautiful creatures and they are to be respected and admired. Just a little thought that showed up without any prompting.

So I will let a few years go by and I am in the work world and I always found that I preferred working for women versus men, something would come up within me and I had a desire to please my female boss and I would always go the extra mile for her. In my interactions with the women that I let get close to me and got to know me, I was always told that not many men think the way I did about women. Eventually I got married to a beautiful woman to whom I was devoted to, I did everything I could to make all her dreams come true, to support her in all her endeavors and as I took the actions I would always feel a wonderful sense of joy in my heart, it felt right. There was something about being of service to my wife that made me feel good inside and my happiness came from pleasing her. My focus when it was not on my career was always on her and how I could make her happy or support what she was doing with her career or other interests. We enjoyed a beautiful spiritual, emotional and intellectual intimacy. It was a joy to be very open with her, yet something didn’t feel right and I found myself unhappy in the relationship. We spent sometime in marriage counseling working on ‘our issues’. During this time I realized I was submissive and I desire to be in a D/s relationship, unfortunately my wife was not into D/s and said a few things that crushed my heart.

I spent a lot of time on the net researching BDSM, trying to understand why I felt the way I did and why I desired to be loved the way I did and love someone the way I desired. In the last year of my marriage I realized I needed to leave, otherwise I would not be true to myself and I would continue to be unhappy. In many ways my submissive nature blossomed in the marriage and I kept looking to my wife to dominate me, it took me a long time to make the decision to leave, especially since I was so devoted to my wife, but I realized we had grown in different directions and having found my submissive nature I knew if I stayed a part of me would die.

During the end of my marriage I had made friends with an online Domme, all we did was talk about ourselves and our various common interests. I almost always would talk about how I felt in regards to the kind of relationship I desired with a strong dominant woman, how I desired to serve her. As I searched the net I would tell my friend about the intimacy I thought was possible in a D/s relationship where two people where committed to each other and she would tell me about the gift a Domme and sub exchange with each other.  My friend suggested I start writing and journal on a daily basis, which I did and as I wrote I kept discovering more and more of my submissive nature.

I have recently left my marriage so I can explore my submissive nature and some days I wonder about my sanity with the urges that come up and how I want to be dominated and the joy I feel in my heart when I imagine what it would be like to have a truly dominant woman in my life. In the short time since I left my marriage and coming to terms with making the decision to leave has hurt a great deal. In some ways I feel like I have betrayed this ideal of serving a woman and being submissive to her by leaving. I couldn’t be the man she wanted and she was not the woman I want in my life today. At the moment I am trying to balance the end of a long marriage and my submissive nature surging and coming to life.

Some days I wonder what the fuck am I doing, especially since society does not look favorably upon people living the lifestyle. When I think about some of the things I want a woman to do to me and how I want to love this woman, because she is able to fulfill my fantasies and desires. My friend tells me what I am feeling is perfectly natural for someone discovering their submissive nature.

When I look at being in a D/s relationship, I see something beautiful, I see two people being intimate on a level most people cannot even dream or comprehend. I tell my friend that there is something very spiritual that I see in a D/s relationship and it is something I wish to have. My friend and I have never scened, we talk and write to each other and we have become very close, the depth of the relationship I have with her has moved deeper than the relationship with my wife ever did. We see each other through the eyes of D/s and all I can see is this beautiful creature I wish to serve and give her everything her heart desires. We are both practical people and know we need to be patient with each other and I have no idea what direction our relationship will go. She encouraged me to keep working on my marriage and to be true to myself. She allows me to call her Goddess and allows me to be myself with her.

I have no idea where I am going down this path or where it may lead. I know that my desire to submit, to serve, to be a Goddesses slut, toy, submissive, slave calls to me. In the power exchange I see gifts of love being given. This new world I am walking into is confusing and strange, I wish to meet the people who live in it and discover more of who I am and what it means to be submissive.

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