Two days ago Goddess banished me for a month, I had confessed to her a transgression and begged to be punished. Yesterday I could feel the shame and guilt coursing through me, because of what I did. Goddess has told me not to contact her a few times before for my own good, because she wanted me to learn something. This is only the second time my punishment has been banishment and this is the longest period of time she has ever given me. All the other times when I could not contact her I felt that I had done something wrong and I was not pleasing to her and I was not trying hard enough, yet she has told me to be patient for I have much to learn.

Goddess tells me it is my responsibility to manage my feels and thoughts and to hold myself in love, yet sometimes my thoughts race away and I find myself feeling fear.

This will be an interesting test, Goddess and I have many interests that are the same; one of them is the desire to grow spiritually, we both look at the multiple levels of play in our lives and in our interactions; the friendship we have in this life, the connection as man and woman, the gift exchanged between Domme and sub are but a few. We both know we are spiritual creatures having a human experience and we are mirrors for each others growth. She is my mirror so I may see where I need to grow. I cause my own upsets by the thoughts I hold in my mind. The Dommes power is in controlling access to Her and the male sub has the need of pleasing her and his biology driving him to respond to Her, well there is more to the dynamic, but this is the bare bones. When she denies me contact, I can feel my fears and doubts kick in, and I have been getting better at monitoring my thoughts and feelings and finding my center and holding myself in love.

I screwed up and I got honest about it and I begged to be punished, that is required of me and I must obey. It is easier now to stop the thoughts now that I have started an old meditation. I see now how I can feel the fear forming within my body and how easy it is to let it go and flow through me and I find myself at peace. Goddess told me in the beginning discipline is a gift of Love. When I return I will thank my Goddess for my punishment and I will tell her the lessons I have learned. I have noticed how energy is freeing up in other areas of my life as I do the meditation throughout the day, there have been some interesting shifts.

Another lesson I am learning is to be grateful for the time and attention I do receive, because I know Goddess is a busy woman.

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