Back In The Old Home

A  couple of days ago I went over to my wife’s house, funny I find myself refering to my old home now as my wife’s house. She had little emergency and she wanted my help. After I fixed what needed to be fixed I went and talked to her, she was crying, I could feel her hurt and sadness rolling off of her and I just looked at her. Everything in me wanted to hold and comfort her, and I could feel my tears breaking free rolling down my face, she is my best friend and I am leaving her to find a better life for myself.  She was happy she told me, she liked how things were.

She doesn’t know how I struggled to be someone I was not just so I could stay, she doesn’t know how hard it has been to find my strength in this and put my needs, my happiness ahead of hers. I kept looking at the love in our lives and all the good we had, hoping she would change, hoping she could learn to reach out to me and touch me. I didn’t want to look at the truth and accept she was unwilling to change. Yet deep down in my heart I knew I would eventually have to leave, I had to find my courage no matter how much it hurt, so I could have the life I want for myself.

I have learned a lot about myself, the days are a little bit easier now.

The words emotional abuse have been running through my mind, this song and dance we have been doing has been hurting us both. And if I was to stay I would be abusing myself even more.

I know one day I will be with someone and I will find the intimacy and connection I have been seeking. I keep thinking ‘in to me see’ it must start with me. The love and connection I am seeking is inside of me and I can feel it at times, there have been some good days recently.

I keep asking my questions and some answers are showing up now and for some I know I must wait.

I keep thinking about something a friend told me, be true to yourself, find our own answers and strength, I am.

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