Archive for allow

Relationships

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 25, 2010 by naturallysubmissive

It takes two people to make a relationship and it takes two people to destroy a relationship, I say this in part to own the fact that I am only 50% responsible for the relationship.

Early in December my first Domme released me and I thought we parted as friends, there was still some communication between us after I was released and then a few weeks later it got ugly. One thing was always mentioned that no matter what we would be friends, yet this is not the case. I can speculate all I want on what my former Dommes motives were, but  it is speculation. I have always been a firm believer communication and two adults being able to work things out or at least be able to reach an understanding where we are civil with each other. I was always honest and open with her in all my feelings and thoughts. She knew I was feeling conflicted between my loyalty to her and the desire to follow a different path and it was showing up in my journal entries that I sent to her, so she knew what was going on with me. In the conversation we had when she released me, she released me so I could pursue the path that was a head of me without feeling conflicted, so I do not why our last communication got ugly. Was she testing me and wanted to see if I would come back to her? I don’t know and may never know, needless to say I am confused.

I see her as an honorable lady and I am grateful for the two years we had together. I still care about her and yet I know I need to move on with my life and be true to myself. I know in my heart I was always honest with her and I am not responsible for her reactions.

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Emergence

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 24, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

My illusions are falling away.

When I first came across BDSM I thought it was simply people getting their kink on, there is so much more to this world. It is a place of spiritual rebirth for those willing to look within themselves and step outside of box of societal conditioning.

Reality Settling In

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 17, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

I have started reading the posts for newbies in the mentoring groups in Fetlife and I see myself in the discussions. A wide eyed innocent looking for healing.  ~LOL~  I am starting to see things a little bit clearer with each passing day.  I need to get very honest with myself and my processes and how I can use them as an escape.  I have been asking questions and sometimes I get an insightful response and it jogs my thinking and shakes it up enough to help me see things another way. I keep seeing the mistakes I have made in my thinking and beliefs and the problems is has caused me in the past. What is done is done and I will not beat myself up, because it took so long to wake up. This is where I am I must accept it for what it is and let go and move on.

How do I wish to percieve the world today so I show up for myself from a place of strength? What new beliefs and thoughts do I wish to hold? I do not wish to abuse myself anymore, I am the one who was hurting me, because of how I saw things and myself.

With each day I understand why I am not ready and why I must be patient with this journey. Honest, acceptance, the willingness to change are becoming my new mantras.

Radical Honesty and Acceptance

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 15, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

The last few days have been an emotional roller coaster, lots of ups and downs sometimes I don’t even know what I am feeling half the time other than it feels like something it ready to burst out of me and then the insights show up. I tell myself I have lot going on and it is normal for what I am going through.  My big thought is I simply want to be at peace with myself amidst all the turmoil I am feeling. I found imaging I am a still pool of water helps and I also focusing on breathing through my heart and I find myself being still and a calm settles in for a time.

I was corresponding with someone over the last few days, she had commented on my poems and how I had the images of fire and love  woven through them. And we also got to talking about the Lifestyle and her challenges with her sub. I kept seeing some of my behavior in her story about how her sub was behaving. I asked her about how she viewed male subs and she gave me an interesting perspective.  As she shared about the dynamic with her sub, it stirred up a lot of feelings reminding me of how I can and have behaved with my friend. Over the next few days her comments on love and reality provided me with a lot of insights.

I have a good understanding of myself and my processes and I am honest with myself and others, yet there was one thing that was missing, I wasn’t willing to accept things as they were, because of the conversations I had over the last couple of days this morning after my meditation and all the writing I have done in the last two days I was finally was able to accept where I am in my life today and let go of the fantasy I was holding onto.

The pain and the feelings when I accept that they are there, I allow them to flow and they move on.

My big lesson honesty and acceptance go hand in hand. If I do not accept it is like paying lip service, yeah, yeah, I know its there and if I do not accept it I will simply keep holding onto it and not let go and nothing will change.