Archive for being strong

Relationships

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 25, 2010 by naturallysubmissive

It takes two people to make a relationship and it takes two people to destroy a relationship, I say this in part to own the fact that I am only 50% responsible for the relationship.

Early in December my first Domme released me and I thought we parted as friends, there was still some communication between us after I was released and then a few weeks later it got ugly. One thing was always mentioned that no matter what we would be friends, yet this is not the case. I can speculate all I want on what my former Dommes motives were, but  it is speculation. I have always been a firm believer communication and two adults being able to work things out or at least be able to reach an understanding where we are civil with each other. I was always honest and open with her in all my feelings and thoughts. She knew I was feeling conflicted between my loyalty to her and the desire to follow a different path and it was showing up in my journal entries that I sent to her, so she knew what was going on with me. In the conversation we had when she released me, she released me so I could pursue the path that was a head of me without feeling conflicted, so I do not why our last communication got ugly. Was she testing me and wanted to see if I would come back to her? I don’t know and may never know, needless to say I am confused.

I see her as an honorable lady and I am grateful for the two years we had together. I still care about her and yet I know I need to move on with my life and be true to myself. I know in my heart I was always honest with her and I am not responsible for her reactions.

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Punishment A Lesson Learned

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 7, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

Banishing a submissive is probably the most effective punishment a dominant can give. I know the last month was hard not being able to talk with my Domme. I had to take a look at my neediness and center within myself. I wondered every now and then how my Domme was doing and if I had hurt her, by my actions. Yesterday I had told one of my Domme friends that my banishment was over and she told me how the Domme is also hurt by giving the punishment to the submissive. I’ve been banish 3 times since I have been with my Domme the first two times were for a week and I sulked both times and I did not even think how my Domme would be affected, this time I was banished for a month. When we got back together we talked for a long time. I do not ever want to hurt her because of my actions or behavior. I know she missed me and wanted to reach out, but she needs to be consistent when she punishes me.

I did have time to reflect and think through why I did what I did and why I need to better manage my emotions, when I am upset.

My Reality Has Been Shaken

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 25, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

My path is important to me and it has led me to many places in my life and within myself. And now I find myself here exploring a dark and beautiful world.

I have been making the effort to educate myself to understand what I have been feeling all my life and have finally found a label which makes sense to me. I can see the threads in my life where my submissive nature longed to be fed, the intense desire I have for deep intimate connections. The hunger I feel is all encompassing, it drives me to learn, to explore, to feel this life and all its sensations, to have someone play this instrument that is my body and to feel the music as they play with me, to connect with someone to serve and be devoted.

It is like everything is falling apart and coming together at the same time.

Someone told me one cannot submit in a vacumn they were wrong, you can, you just don’t get what you want, but you can still give.

Emergence

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 24, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

My illusions are falling away.

When I first came across BDSM I thought it was simply people getting their kink on, there is so much more to this world. It is a place of spiritual rebirth for those willing to look within themselves and step outside of box of societal conditioning.

Moving On

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 18, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

I feel like I have been stuck in emotional quicksand over the last two years, my focus had been trying to see if I could save my marriage.  I know in my heart I did everything I could,  before I made the decision to leave.  Now that I have made the decision to move on with my life so many insights are showing up. Keeping this daily journal along with the discussions I have been having in Fetlife and reading the posts from people in the Lifestyle has helped immensely.

I’ve learned do not deny who you are it will kill you by inches and do what you need to do to look after yourself.

I have been wondering what I am doing here and I have many reasons and underneath all of them it feels like I am simply looking for a human connection, I want someone to touch me and hold me and tell me they love me and I want to hold them and tell them I love them as well. Such a simple thing and so powerful.

Reality Settling In

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 17, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

I have started reading the posts for newbies in the mentoring groups in Fetlife and I see myself in the discussions. A wide eyed innocent looking for healing.  ~LOL~  I am starting to see things a little bit clearer with each passing day.  I need to get very honest with myself and my processes and how I can use them as an escape.  I have been asking questions and sometimes I get an insightful response and it jogs my thinking and shakes it up enough to help me see things another way. I keep seeing the mistakes I have made in my thinking and beliefs and the problems is has caused me in the past. What is done is done and I will not beat myself up, because it took so long to wake up. This is where I am I must accept it for what it is and let go and move on.

How do I wish to percieve the world today so I show up for myself from a place of strength? What new beliefs and thoughts do I wish to hold? I do not wish to abuse myself anymore, I am the one who was hurting me, because of how I saw things and myself.

With each day I understand why I am not ready and why I must be patient with this journey. Honest, acceptance, the willingness to change are becoming my new mantras.

How Far Will I Go?

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 12, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

My fantasy comes to life, Goddess playing with Her toy.

How far will I go for You Sweet Goddess? How deep will You take me? Can I become strong enough for You and myself to enjoy this journey with You?  What will I learn about You?

I see the fantasy and the dream and wonder who I will become, what do I need to do to grow?

I have been wondering why I want to do this, why I would put myself in Her sadistic hands? Is it the intimacy I have been seeking? Is it to see how deep and wide love can be, when two flow into One? Is God on the otherside or is it sometning else?

Someone I spoke with a little while ago told me, it takes two strong people, otherwise when you add in BDSM to realtionship it is a recipe for disaster. But then again it may also depend on how deep the couple wants to play.

I am learning I must be patient, I will not rush this journey it is important to me.