Archive for Domme

Relationships

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 25, 2010 by naturallysubmissive

It takes two people to make a relationship and it takes two people to destroy a relationship, I say this in part to own the fact that I am only 50% responsible for the relationship.

Early in December my first Domme released me and I thought we parted as friends, there was still some communication between us after I was released and then a few weeks later it got ugly. One thing was always mentioned that no matter what we would be friends, yet this is not the case. I can speculate all I want on what my former Dommes motives were, but  it is speculation. I have always been a firm believer communication and two adults being able to work things out or at least be able to reach an understanding where we are civil with each other. I was always honest and open with her in all my feelings and thoughts. She knew I was feeling conflicted between my loyalty to her and the desire to follow a different path and it was showing up in my journal entries that I sent to her, so she knew what was going on with me. In the conversation we had when she released me, she released me so I could pursue the path that was a head of me without feeling conflicted, so I do not why our last communication got ugly. Was she testing me and wanted to see if I would come back to her? I don’t know and may never know, needless to say I am confused.

I see her as an honorable lady and I am grateful for the two years we had together. I still care about her and yet I know I need to move on with my life and be true to myself. I know in my heart I was always honest with her and I am not responsible for her reactions.

Changes, Relationships and Energy

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , on December 20, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

A lot has changed in the last few weeks, my Domme released me and I think it was for the best for the both of us. I would like to retain the friendship and that remains to be seen if we can allow our relationship to change and evolve and we can now just be friends.

This weekend a friend of mine visited me, we have been playing with energy and have been getting close to each other. I met her for the first time face to face two weeks ago and we behaved like teenagers and couldn’t keep our hands off of each other and this weekend was pretty much the same.  The energy connection between us is amazing and something I have never experienced before. We are both energy workers and over the last few weeks our energetic interactions keep evolving. It used to be just sexual energy and now we find we are touching and exploring other frequencies.

We have been considering each other since I was released and this weekend I asked her if she would accept my gift of submission and she accepted and has offered me the gift of her dominance. I like her alot and in the last two days we have both said we love each other. We are both being cautious and taking things slowly.

Feelings

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 21, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

The last few days have been an emotional turmoil for me, I have had lots of feelings come about my marriage, wife, the relationship with my Domme, a new friend and our relationship and where I am currently in my life.

I have been exploring the Lifestyle online since I left my wife and I have gotten a lot of new information and started to make new friends. I like what is happening, but over the last few days I feel like I need to back up a few steps, so much of what I am experiencing at the moment is very new to me and I’m not sure how to deal with it. Sometimes I’m not even sure I understand what is happening at the moment, other than I feel hurt and afraid and I do not want to hurt those I care about, because of my actions. Yet everything inside of tells me I need to keep walking down this path I am on.

I spoke with my friend today and she is feeling the same way.

I thought about poly many years ago and forgot about it until I met my new friend and now there is something happening where I feel drawn so strongly to both women, my Domme and friend. I’m confused, I’ve never done poly and there is an underlying current that pulls be to these two ladies, I know they are  part of my soul group. I feel a strong connection with both women.

I’ve spent a good part of the day meditating off and on and when I did a body meditation I could feel myself holding onto feelings and as I relaxed the tears started to flow.

Punishment A Lesson Learned

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 7, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

Banishing a submissive is probably the most effective punishment a dominant can give. I know the last month was hard not being able to talk with my Domme. I had to take a look at my neediness and center within myself. I wondered every now and then how my Domme was doing and if I had hurt her, by my actions. Yesterday I had told one of my Domme friends that my banishment was over and she told me how the Domme is also hurt by giving the punishment to the submissive. I’ve been banish 3 times since I have been with my Domme the first two times were for a week and I sulked both times and I did not even think how my Domme would be affected, this time I was banished for a month. When we got back together we talked for a long time. I do not ever want to hurt her because of my actions or behavior. I know she missed me and wanted to reach out, but she needs to be consistent when she punishes me.

I did have time to reflect and think through why I did what I did and why I need to better manage my emotions, when I am upset.

My Reality Has Been Shaken

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 25, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

My path is important to me and it has led me to many places in my life and within myself. And now I find myself here exploring a dark and beautiful world.

I have been making the effort to educate myself to understand what I have been feeling all my life and have finally found a label which makes sense to me. I can see the threads in my life where my submissive nature longed to be fed, the intense desire I have for deep intimate connections. The hunger I feel is all encompassing, it drives me to learn, to explore, to feel this life and all its sensations, to have someone play this instrument that is my body and to feel the music as they play with me, to connect with someone to serve and be devoted.

It is like everything is falling apart and coming together at the same time.

Someone told me one cannot submit in a vacumn they were wrong, you can, you just don’t get what you want, but you can still give.

Moving On

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 18, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

I feel like I have been stuck in emotional quicksand over the last two years, my focus had been trying to see if I could save my marriage.  I know in my heart I did everything I could,  before I made the decision to leave.  Now that I have made the decision to move on with my life so many insights are showing up. Keeping this daily journal along with the discussions I have been having in Fetlife and reading the posts from people in the Lifestyle has helped immensely.

I’ve learned do not deny who you are it will kill you by inches and do what you need to do to look after yourself.

I have been wondering what I am doing here and I have many reasons and underneath all of them it feels like I am simply looking for a human connection, I want someone to touch me and hold me and tell me they love me and I want to hold them and tell them I love them as well. Such a simple thing and so powerful.

Radical Honesty and Acceptance

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 15, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

The last few days have been an emotional roller coaster, lots of ups and downs sometimes I don’t even know what I am feeling half the time other than it feels like something it ready to burst out of me and then the insights show up. I tell myself I have lot going on and it is normal for what I am going through.  My big thought is I simply want to be at peace with myself amidst all the turmoil I am feeling. I found imaging I am a still pool of water helps and I also focusing on breathing through my heart and I find myself being still and a calm settles in for a time.

I was corresponding with someone over the last few days, she had commented on my poems and how I had the images of fire and love  woven through them. And we also got to talking about the Lifestyle and her challenges with her sub. I kept seeing some of my behavior in her story about how her sub was behaving. I asked her about how she viewed male subs and she gave me an interesting perspective.  As she shared about the dynamic with her sub, it stirred up a lot of feelings reminding me of how I can and have behaved with my friend. Over the next few days her comments on love and reality provided me with a lot of insights.

I have a good understanding of myself and my processes and I am honest with myself and others, yet there was one thing that was missing, I wasn’t willing to accept things as they were, because of the conversations I had over the last couple of days this morning after my meditation and all the writing I have done in the last two days I was finally was able to accept where I am in my life today and let go of the fantasy I was holding onto.

The pain and the feelings when I accept that they are there, I allow them to flow and they move on.

My big lesson honesty and acceptance go hand in hand. If I do not accept it is like paying lip service, yeah, yeah, I know its there and if I do not accept it I will simply keep holding onto it and not let go and nothing will change.