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Relationships

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 25, 2010 by naturallysubmissive

It takes two people to make a relationship and it takes two people to destroy a relationship, I say this in part to own the fact that I am only 50% responsible for the relationship.

Early in December my first Domme released me and I thought we parted as friends, there was still some communication between us after I was released and then a few weeks later it got ugly. One thing was always mentioned that no matter what we would be friends, yet this is not the case. I can speculate all I want on what my former Dommes motives were, but  it is speculation. I have always been a firm believer communication and two adults being able to work things out or at least be able to reach an understanding where we are civil with each other. I was always honest and open with her in all my feelings and thoughts. She knew I was feeling conflicted between my loyalty to her and the desire to follow a different path and it was showing up in my journal entries that I sent to her, so she knew what was going on with me. In the conversation we had when she released me, she released me so I could pursue the path that was a head of me without feeling conflicted, so I do not why our last communication got ugly. Was she testing me and wanted to see if I would come back to her? I don’t know and may never know, needless to say I am confused.

I see her as an honorable lady and I am grateful for the two years we had together. I still care about her and yet I know I need to move on with my life and be true to myself. I know in my heart I was always honest with her and I am not responsible for her reactions.

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Feelings

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 21, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

The last few days have been an emotional turmoil for me, I have had lots of feelings come about my marriage, wife, the relationship with my Domme, a new friend and our relationship and where I am currently in my life.

I have been exploring the Lifestyle online since I left my wife and I have gotten a lot of new information and started to make new friends. I like what is happening, but over the last few days I feel like I need to back up a few steps, so much of what I am experiencing at the moment is very new to me and I’m not sure how to deal with it. Sometimes I’m not even sure I understand what is happening at the moment, other than I feel hurt and afraid and I do not want to hurt those I care about, because of my actions. Yet everything inside of tells me I need to keep walking down this path I am on.

I spoke with my friend today and she is feeling the same way.

I thought about poly many years ago and forgot about it until I met my new friend and now there is something happening where I feel drawn so strongly to both women, my Domme and friend. I’m confused, I’ve never done poly and there is an underlying current that pulls be to these two ladies, I know they are  part of my soul group. I feel a strong connection with both women.

I’ve spent a good part of the day meditating off and on and when I did a body meditation I could feel myself holding onto feelings and as I relaxed the tears started to flow.

Death

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 11, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

Sometimes November is not a easy month for me, my mother passed away in November 10 years ago. The first 5 years after mom was gone I was very aware of the day she passed it was stuck in my mind. A few days ago one of my friends told me her mother had passed away and then I got a phone call from my sister telling me an uncle of mine was getting ready to go. I remember looking at the calendar and see the day and noticing the day of my mothers death was fast approaching as well.

I’ve learned grief  comes in waves and over the years the intensity lessens, this year it hit me hard, I was walking around in a fog for a day. Looking back now I can see I was concerned about a friend who has some health challenges at this time and I was afraid of losing her, because she means so much to me.

Sometimes I wish I did not care so deeply when I connect with someone.  Death has taught me to tell the ones I love they are appreciated in my life and I do not miss the opportunity to let those close to me know that I care for them and they are deeply appreciated and their friendships are valued.

Death is a good thing, it reminds us to live this life to the fullest, with passion and not to coast through it half a sleep. Sometimes it hurts loving another, but I will not close myself off from the joys of loving. Some days it is hard to stand tall and walk with purpose and on those days I crawl, until I can stand again tall and strong. Some days I fall and just want to lie there and never get up again, yet I find myself getting backup and dusting myself off no matter how I feel and I take the next step again.

I like what WInston Churchill said, ‘Never, Never, Never give up’. It  is in the hardest, most painful of times of our lives we find our strength and we learn the lessons of faith.

Belonging

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , on October 31, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

I have made a couple of new friends and in the last couple of weeks and it feels very good to find like minded people to talk to that understand. I am also appreciative of the support and responses I am getting to my questions. I like the attention I have gotten from a couple of the ladies, but they know I have someone who is guiding me and all I am seeking is friendship and knowledge.

I found an online study group dealing with kundalini and have been researching kundalini emergence.

I keep getting the message from within to take everything slowly and not hurry. I can hardly wait until next week when my banishment is over and I can talk to my friend again, I have a lot to share with Her.

A New Freedom

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 23, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

I love all the insights that have been showing up recently. I have been feeling this wonderful sense of freedom over the last couple of weeks, I feel free, free to live my life the way I want, do what I want. Looking back I keep wonder why did I let this happen to me, why did I put myself in a situation where I felt like the most important parts of me were cut off and dying. I feel like I have a whole new life in front of me, Hmmmmm… lol this will be number 3.

I love it, I have already lived two lives in one life time and now I get another, the world just got a little bit bigger and brighter. I am very grateful to a friend who believes in me, sometimes we need someone to believe in us, until we can do it for ourselves.