Archive for honesty

Relationships

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 25, 2010 by naturallysubmissive

It takes two people to make a relationship and it takes two people to destroy a relationship, I say this in part to own the fact that I am only 50% responsible for the relationship.

Early in December my first Domme released me and I thought we parted as friends, there was still some communication between us after I was released and then a few weeks later it got ugly. One thing was always mentioned that no matter what we would be friends, yet this is not the case. I can speculate all I want on what my former Dommes motives were, but  it is speculation. I have always been a firm believer communication and two adults being able to work things out or at least be able to reach an understanding where we are civil with each other. I was always honest and open with her in all my feelings and thoughts. She knew I was feeling conflicted between my loyalty to her and the desire to follow a different path and it was showing up in my journal entries that I sent to her, so she knew what was going on with me. In the conversation we had when she released me, she released me so I could pursue the path that was a head of me without feeling conflicted, so I do not why our last communication got ugly. Was she testing me and wanted to see if I would come back to her? I don’t know and may never know, needless to say I am confused.

I see her as an honorable lady and I am grateful for the two years we had together. I still care about her and yet I know I need to move on with my life and be true to myself. I know in my heart I was always honest with her and I am not responsible for her reactions.

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Old Patterns

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , on November 29, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

I see myself feeling old feelings, because of the judgements I am holding in my mind where I am being reminded of an old relationship.  I keep focusing on seeing from my heart and it is difficult at this time. When I care about someone I do not want to be upset, I keep letting go. I wonder why must I be the one that is patient all the time? Why am I the one who feels like they are the one making all the effort? It takes two to have a relationship. I just want to be at peace, they are my thoughts and I need to let them go.

I just spent the last 6 days house sitting for my wife taking care of the cats while she visited family for the holidays and it feels like a lot of old feelings and frustrations are coming up.

My Reality Has Been Shaken

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 25, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

My path is important to me and it has led me to many places in my life and within myself. And now I find myself here exploring a dark and beautiful world.

I have been making the effort to educate myself to understand what I have been feeling all my life and have finally found a label which makes sense to me. I can see the threads in my life where my submissive nature longed to be fed, the intense desire I have for deep intimate connections. The hunger I feel is all encompassing, it drives me to learn, to explore, to feel this life and all its sensations, to have someone play this instrument that is my body and to feel the music as they play with me, to connect with someone to serve and be devoted.

It is like everything is falling apart and coming together at the same time.

Someone told me one cannot submit in a vacumn they were wrong, you can, you just don’t get what you want, but you can still give.

Emergence

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 24, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

My illusions are falling away.

When I first came across BDSM I thought it was simply people getting their kink on, there is so much more to this world. It is a place of spiritual rebirth for those willing to look within themselves and step outside of box of societal conditioning.

Memories and Old Feelings

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 23, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

My wife asked me to house sit while she is out of town this week on business, because she wanted someone to take care of all our pets. It is hard walking back into this house a place I once thought of as our home. There are so many feelings that get triggered as I walk around this house, so many memories of the life we once had. I have felt my walls coming up not wanting to deal with what I am feeling. Yet one thought keeps coming up for me, I am doing the right thing and I am doing it for myself.

I put her first in all my thoughts and actions and I’ve learned, because I choose to put myself first  how good it feels to  be strong and determined to  live the  life I want to live.  The  loniless sucks, I want to connect with another human being, but I will come to terms with that over time as I fill my new life with new activities and friends.

I have a vision of how I wish to live and the man I am becoming , the person I want in my life and the relationship I desire. I have the right to say no to someone I care about deeply, no matter how much it hurts them, because I want something better for myself.   Not only is it my right it is my responsibility. As I have been reading the posts in fetlife, this  thought  keeps being repeated again and again,  I can  and must be able to say no no matter who the person is, even if she is the Lady I wish to serve and both of us need to be honest and open with each other in all our communications, if we want the relationship to grow.

Moving On

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 18, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

I feel like I have been stuck in emotional quicksand over the last two years, my focus had been trying to see if I could save my marriage.  I know in my heart I did everything I could,  before I made the decision to leave.  Now that I have made the decision to move on with my life so many insights are showing up. Keeping this daily journal along with the discussions I have been having in Fetlife and reading the posts from people in the Lifestyle has helped immensely.

I’ve learned do not deny who you are it will kill you by inches and do what you need to do to look after yourself.

I have been wondering what I am doing here and I have many reasons and underneath all of them it feels like I am simply looking for a human connection, I want someone to touch me and hold me and tell me they love me and I want to hold them and tell them I love them as well. Such a simple thing and so powerful.

Reality Settling In

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 17, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

I have started reading the posts for newbies in the mentoring groups in Fetlife and I see myself in the discussions. A wide eyed innocent looking for healing.  ~LOL~  I am starting to see things a little bit clearer with each passing day.  I need to get very honest with myself and my processes and how I can use them as an escape.  I have been asking questions and sometimes I get an insightful response and it jogs my thinking and shakes it up enough to help me see things another way. I keep seeing the mistakes I have made in my thinking and beliefs and the problems is has caused me in the past. What is done is done and I will not beat myself up, because it took so long to wake up. This is where I am I must accept it for what it is and let go and move on.

How do I wish to percieve the world today so I show up for myself from a place of strength? What new beliefs and thoughts do I wish to hold? I do not wish to abuse myself anymore, I am the one who was hurting me, because of how I saw things and myself.

With each day I understand why I am not ready and why I must be patient with this journey. Honest, acceptance, the willingness to change are becoming my new mantras.