I’m almost embarrased to write about this, how old am I now and I still look for approval outside of myself. I know it is a need that we have, I’ve read enough books over the years. We humans a social creatures and week seek approval to be validated and I know it is not a good thing to be seeking it solely outside of ourselves. I know in some areas of my life I feel strong and I do not need it, yet is some I still look to others.
Over the last couple of weeks I keep noticing how I catch myself from saying something that I normally would just to impress someone in some way. I think that a lot of what I have been reading in Fetlife has been influencing my thinking. I find myself asking just before I speak, why am I doing this and I notice that I want to impress someone with what I have learned, am I sharing from my heart and not my head.
I have also noticed and realized that when my feelings are strong and I write something I want to post that I have been stepping back and not posting and giving myself time to consider what I have written until I have had sometime to get centered and calm down.
I am seeing shifts in my behavior and personality, this urge to slow down and be at peace with myself has been showing up a great deal.
I have spent enough time in therapy to understand there is a boy who never got the love he needed at the time and wants to be held, sometimes that feeling still shows up and I can feel the hurt from years long past. And now even that feels different, because when I decided to leave my marriage, I felt a new strength showing up, because I am a learning to value myself first.
I spent the last two years coming to terms with myself that I wanted out of my marriage and I know what I want in my next relationship, but for right now I want to discover who I am, because I lost myself in the marriage.
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