Archive for meditation

Silence

Posted in My Journey with tags , , on December 3, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

I am learning to be still.

When I see a thought now, I can touch it and watch it dissolve.

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My Banishment Has Ended

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on November 6, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

I’m happy, I spoke to Goddess today and we had a very long talk, we spoke about the rules I have now and She has given me a great deal of freedom to explore, She is very much appreciated.

The last month has been very good for me, it gave me time to reflect on many things. I have found an incredible peace within and a connection to myself.  Journaling and meditating daily have been very helpful.

Surrender is my big word at the moment, surrender it all.

A New Skill To Learn

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , on November 2, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

My therapist and I have been going over my marriage and one of the things he has mentioned a couple of times now is to become an astute observer of the obvious, when it comes to any future partner I am looking at getting involved with. He keeps telling me that for the most part people do not change their core behavior and when I look back upon my marriage I can see lots of patterns in my wife that were consistent through out the relationship, yes she may have changed for a time, but within a month or so things went back to same old same old.

I know I am willing to put in a lot of effort to make the relationship work and I want my partner to make the same commitment, it takes two people who want to show up and the invest time and effort to make a relationship work. I know I want someone who has a strong desire to grow for herself and can give of herself naturally and meet my needs and wants. I am not interested in a woman who only thinks of herself and not the man.

I feel very clear headed at the moment, its been two months since I left and I have been getting some good days back to back. All the writing, introspection and meditation have been helping a lot.

I did a lot of things right and a few things wrong, next time I will be a little bit better prepared. Pain is a good teacher one I need to pay attention to more often.

Seeking Approval

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 27, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

I’m almost embarrased to write about this, how old am I now and I still look for approval outside of myself. I know it is a need that we have, I’ve read enough books over the years. We humans a social creatures and week seek approval to be validated and I know it is not a good thing to be seeking it solely outside of ourselves. I know in some areas of my life I feel strong and I do not need it, yet is some I still look to others.

Over the last couple of weeks I keep noticing how I catch myself from saying something that I normally would just to impress someone in some way. I think that a lot of what I have been reading in Fetlife has been influencing my thinking. I find myself asking just before I speak, why am I doing this and I notice that I want to impress someone with what I have learned, am I sharing from my heart and not my head.

I have also noticed and realized that when my feelings are strong and I write something I want to post that I have been stepping back and not posting and giving myself time to consider what I have written until I have had sometime to get centered and calm down.

I am seeing shifts in my behavior and personality, this urge to slow down and be at peace with myself has been showing up a great deal.

I have spent enough time in therapy to understand there is a boy who never got the love he needed at the time and wants to be held, sometimes that feeling still shows up and I can feel the hurt from years long past. And now even that feels different, because when I decided to leave my marriage, I felt a new strength showing up, because I am a learning to value myself first.

I spent the last two years coming to terms with myself that I wanted out of my marriage and I know what I want in my next relationship, but for right now I want to discover who I am, because I lost myself in the marriage.

 

At Peace

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on October 26, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

I like where I am at today and even this now moment. I keep noticing that I am slowing down and not rushing anything, everything will unfold in its own time. I know something is happening I am noticing during my interactions with people that where I would normally interject a few comments, that I am holding back. Funny how I do not want to impress anyone or seek their approval and that has been a big deal, look at me see how smart I am.

I came across a new grounding meditation and I like how I am feeling and the flow of energy.