Archive for pain

Relationships

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 25, 2010 by naturallysubmissive

It takes two people to make a relationship and it takes two people to destroy a relationship, I say this in part to own the fact that I am only 50% responsible for the relationship.

Early in December my first Domme released me and I thought we parted as friends, there was still some communication between us after I was released and then a few weeks later it got ugly. One thing was always mentioned that no matter what we would be friends, yet this is not the case. I can speculate all I want on what my former Dommes motives were, but  it is speculation. I have always been a firm believer communication and two adults being able to work things out or at least be able to reach an understanding where we are civil with each other. I was always honest and open with her in all my feelings and thoughts. She knew I was feeling conflicted between my loyalty to her and the desire to follow a different path and it was showing up in my journal entries that I sent to her, so she knew what was going on with me. In the conversation we had when she released me, she released me so I could pursue the path that was a head of me without feeling conflicted, so I do not why our last communication got ugly. Was she testing me and wanted to see if I would come back to her? I don’t know and may never know, needless to say I am confused.

I see her as an honorable lady and I am grateful for the two years we had together. I still care about her and yet I know I need to move on with my life and be true to myself. I know in my heart I was always honest with her and I am not responsible for her reactions.

A Wounded Healer

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , on November 18, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

Because I have been hurt and I have know pain in my life and I have come to terms with it I can help someone else to heal. I know how to touch someone heart today and help them lessen their burden. I had people that did that with me and now I can pass on the gift to another.

Punishment A Lesson Learned

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 7, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

Banishing a submissive is probably the most effective punishment a dominant can give. I know the last month was hard not being able to talk with my Domme. I had to take a look at my neediness and center within myself. I wondered every now and then how my Domme was doing and if I had hurt her, by my actions. Yesterday I had told one of my Domme friends that my banishment was over and she told me how the Domme is also hurt by giving the punishment to the submissive. I’ve been banish 3 times since I have been with my Domme the first two times were for a week and I sulked both times and I did not even think how my Domme would be affected, this time I was banished for a month. When we got back together we talked for a long time. I do not ever want to hurt her because of my actions or behavior. I know she missed me and wanted to reach out, but she needs to be consistent when she punishes me.

I did have time to reflect and think through why I did what I did and why I need to better manage my emotions, when I am upset.

Emergence

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 24, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

My illusions are falling away.

When I first came across BDSM I thought it was simply people getting their kink on, there is so much more to this world. It is a place of spiritual rebirth for those willing to look within themselves and step outside of box of societal conditioning.

Memories and Old Feelings

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 23, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

My wife asked me to house sit while she is out of town this week on business, because she wanted someone to take care of all our pets. It is hard walking back into this house a place I once thought of as our home. There are so many feelings that get triggered as I walk around this house, so many memories of the life we once had. I have felt my walls coming up not wanting to deal with what I am feeling. Yet one thought keeps coming up for me, I am doing the right thing and I am doing it for myself.

I put her first in all my thoughts and actions and I’ve learned, because I choose to put myself first  how good it feels to  be strong and determined to  live the  life I want to live.  The  loniless sucks, I want to connect with another human being, but I will come to terms with that over time as I fill my new life with new activities and friends.

I have a vision of how I wish to live and the man I am becoming , the person I want in my life and the relationship I desire. I have the right to say no to someone I care about deeply, no matter how much it hurts them, because I want something better for myself.   Not only is it my right it is my responsibility. As I have been reading the posts in fetlife, this  thought  keeps being repeated again and again,  I can  and must be able to say no no matter who the person is, even if she is the Lady I wish to serve and both of us need to be honest and open with each other in all our communications, if we want the relationship to grow.

Moving On

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 18, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

I feel like I have been stuck in emotional quicksand over the last two years, my focus had been trying to see if I could save my marriage.  I know in my heart I did everything I could,  before I made the decision to leave.  Now that I have made the decision to move on with my life so many insights are showing up. Keeping this daily journal along with the discussions I have been having in Fetlife and reading the posts from people in the Lifestyle has helped immensely.

I’ve learned do not deny who you are it will kill you by inches and do what you need to do to look after yourself.

I have been wondering what I am doing here and I have many reasons and underneath all of them it feels like I am simply looking for a human connection, I want someone to touch me and hold me and tell me they love me and I want to hold them and tell them I love them as well. Such a simple thing and so powerful.

How Far Will I Go?

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 12, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

My fantasy comes to life, Goddess playing with Her toy.

How far will I go for You Sweet Goddess? How deep will You take me? Can I become strong enough for You and myself to enjoy this journey with You?  What will I learn about You?

I see the fantasy and the dream and wonder who I will become, what do I need to do to grow?

I have been wondering why I want to do this, why I would put myself in Her sadistic hands? Is it the intimacy I have been seeking? Is it to see how deep and wide love can be, when two flow into One? Is God on the otherside or is it sometning else?

Someone I spoke with a little while ago told me, it takes two strong people, otherwise when you add in BDSM to realtionship it is a recipe for disaster. But then again it may also depend on how deep the couple wants to play.

I am learning I must be patient, I will not rush this journey it is important to me.