Archive for reflection

My Reality Has Been Shaken

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 25, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

My path is important to me and it has led me to many places in my life and within myself. And now I find myself here exploring a dark and beautiful world.

I have been making the effort to educate myself to understand what I have been feeling all my life and have finally found a label which makes sense to me. I can see the threads in my life where my submissive nature longed to be fed, the intense desire I have for deep intimate connections. The hunger I feel is all encompassing, it drives me to learn, to explore, to feel this life and all its sensations, to have someone play this instrument that is my body and to feel the music as they play with me, to connect with someone to serve and be devoted.

It is like everything is falling apart and coming together at the same time.

Someone told me one cannot submit in a vacumn they were wrong, you can, you just don’t get what you want, but you can still give.

Advertisements

Moving On

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 18, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

I feel like I have been stuck in emotional quicksand over the last two years, my focus had been trying to see if I could save my marriage.  I know in my heart I did everything I could,  before I made the decision to leave.  Now that I have made the decision to move on with my life so many insights are showing up. Keeping this daily journal along with the discussions I have been having in Fetlife and reading the posts from people in the Lifestyle has helped immensely.

I’ve learned do not deny who you are it will kill you by inches and do what you need to do to look after yourself.

I have been wondering what I am doing here and I have many reasons and underneath all of them it feels like I am simply looking for a human connection, I want someone to touch me and hold me and tell me they love me and I want to hold them and tell them I love them as well. Such a simple thing and so powerful.

Reality Settling In

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 17, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

I have started reading the posts for newbies in the mentoring groups in Fetlife and I see myself in the discussions. A wide eyed innocent looking for healing.  ~LOL~  I am starting to see things a little bit clearer with each passing day.  I need to get very honest with myself and my processes and how I can use them as an escape.  I have been asking questions and sometimes I get an insightful response and it jogs my thinking and shakes it up enough to help me see things another way. I keep seeing the mistakes I have made in my thinking and beliefs and the problems is has caused me in the past. What is done is done and I will not beat myself up, because it took so long to wake up. This is where I am I must accept it for what it is and let go and move on.

How do I wish to percieve the world today so I show up for myself from a place of strength? What new beliefs and thoughts do I wish to hold? I do not wish to abuse myself anymore, I am the one who was hurting me, because of how I saw things and myself.

With each day I understand why I am not ready and why I must be patient with this journey. Honest, acceptance, the willingness to change are becoming my new mantras.

How Far Will I Go?

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 12, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

My fantasy comes to life, Goddess playing with Her toy.

How far will I go for You Sweet Goddess? How deep will You take me? Can I become strong enough for You and myself to enjoy this journey with You?  What will I learn about You?

I see the fantasy and the dream and wonder who I will become, what do I need to do to grow?

I have been wondering why I want to do this, why I would put myself in Her sadistic hands? Is it the intimacy I have been seeking? Is it to see how deep and wide love can be, when two flow into One? Is God on the otherside or is it sometning else?

Someone I spoke with a little while ago told me, it takes two strong people, otherwise when you add in BDSM to realtionship it is a recipe for disaster. But then again it may also depend on how deep the couple wants to play.

I am learning I must be patient, I will not rush this journey it is important to me.

The First Lesson

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 11, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

Goddess told me the first lesson I must learn is patience, I keep seeing it and I still want to rush ahead. I have a guide and she has walked this road before, I trust her and I still want to rush ahead. ~LOL~

There are paths I cannot allow my thoughts to walk or when I do I must stop and set them on another trail.

I am grateful she is in my life. ~smiles~

Dark Desires

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 11, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

I see myself on a spiritual path, living a life of integrity and values and deep inside the darkness calls and when I think about what I want someone to do to me, I wonder. LOL

Hey, maybe I’m just kinky as hell and my inner kinkster is emerging. LOL  No, there is no maybe, I am kinky I just never had the chance to play with this part of me.

Sometimes one of my fantasies is to be bound in some fashion or kneeling for my Goddess as She pierces me with needles and I want to see Her face, Her eyes as She pushes the needles into my flesh. I want Her to see my trust, my fear and I wonder if I can touch Her soul through Her eyes.

The darkness stirs, it wants to be released and free.

I once read to grow spiritually one must explore the light and the darkness within. True freedom comes when one accepts their nature, I will not hide who I am.

I will not die that slow death or allow anyone to define me ever again.

Balance

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , on October 11, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

I can get so impatient at times when I get interested in learning something new and I want to put all my attention on what I am learning and I can let other areas of my life slide. Hey, patience Rome wasn’t built in a day, one day at a time. Little steps and actions will get me where I want to go, all I need to do is set my intention for the day and be focused on where I want to go and how I desire to see myself the rest will follow.

Where will this road go?

I have started a new chapter  in my book of life; what will I write on these pages of days? Who do I desire to become? What experiences do I want? Who do I want to know? Who do I want in my life?

A time of reflection in the desert of solitude,
time enough to allow the sun to burn me clean,
so my spirit may soar.

Time to clear the debris and sort through what is important to me.

I touch my dream in this time and think of how She touched my soul.

Gently did she caress me and all became unraveled,
the veils falling away clearing my vision and it is with my heart I see.