Archive for seeking

Emergence

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 24, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

My illusions are falling away.

When I first came across BDSM I thought it was simply people getting their kink on, there is so much more to this world. It is a place of spiritual rebirth for those willing to look within themselves and step outside of box of societal conditioning.

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Reality Settling In

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 17, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

I have started reading the posts for newbies in the mentoring groups in Fetlife and I see myself in the discussions. A wide eyed innocent looking for healing.  ~LOL~  I am starting to see things a little bit clearer with each passing day.  I need to get very honest with myself and my processes and how I can use them as an escape.  I have been asking questions and sometimes I get an insightful response and it jogs my thinking and shakes it up enough to help me see things another way. I keep seeing the mistakes I have made in my thinking and beliefs and the problems is has caused me in the past. What is done is done and I will not beat myself up, because it took so long to wake up. This is where I am I must accept it for what it is and let go and move on.

How do I wish to percieve the world today so I show up for myself from a place of strength? What new beliefs and thoughts do I wish to hold? I do not wish to abuse myself anymore, I am the one who was hurting me, because of how I saw things and myself.

With each day I understand why I am not ready and why I must be patient with this journey. Honest, acceptance, the willingness to change are becoming my new mantras.

The First Lesson

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 11, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

Goddess told me the first lesson I must learn is patience, I keep seeing it and I still want to rush ahead. I have a guide and she has walked this road before, I trust her and I still want to rush ahead. ~LOL~

There are paths I cannot allow my thoughts to walk or when I do I must stop and set them on another trail.

I am grateful she is in my life. ~smiles~

A New Life

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 10, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

At the beginning of this week I felt like I was starting to come out of a fog, everyone I have talked to that has been divorced has said the same thing give yourself time and everyone is different. And I kept thinking well there is that and how about lets also add in all these submissive feelings that have been coming up, sometimes I wonder if I’m crazy, when I brought this up to my dominant friend she said what I am going through is normal.  Sometimes some of feelings when they come up it is like a drug and all I can think of is Goddess and how I wish to serve her, she becomes my whole focus and then afterwards I feel drained and depressed. One thing that keeps coming up is I need to make sure I am eating,  sleeping, exercising and meditating.

I started taking some more action to find out all the areas of my life that will be affected by the divorce and I started letting a few people know that things have changed in my life. As I did I started feeling a wonderful sense of freedom, I get to find out who I am what my submissiveness means to me and I can start making new friends and get their perspective on how they see themselves living The Lifestyle.

I look at my friend, lol, I call her Goddess, she allows be to be me, what a wonderful freedom and friend to have. She once told me she will always see me as submissive and I know I will always see her as Goddess, we are good friends. She is a true dominant and I respect her, she told me in the beginning she was but a guide and the willingness must be mine and true honesty is spoken by ones actions. Well she gets to watch my feet and see how honest I am.

I get to create a whole new life.  ~LOL~

I have a new relationship to explore the one I am having with myself.

I am not even counting the days until my banishment is over and we can talk again, I have come to terms with guilt I felt and I know this time apart needed to happen for other reasons.

BSDM is a stepping stone, the door opens through love and connection through serving. I’m rambling, my meditations have been very interesting. I found the gift in service elsewhere and now I see it here; honesty, willingness, trust, surrender, being open… beautiful gifts of the soul. We surrender to each other, we serve each other, Goddess and slave and we find the Infinite beyond.

A Request

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 8, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

Hello,

For those of you that are reading my blog I have a request, now that I am free to explore my submissive nature and if you are into BDSM and know of any sites, blogs or groups where I can find other subs that I can learn from and/or talk to it would be greatly appreciated.  My email address is naturally.submissive@yahoo.com

Thank you in advance,

a spirit seeking the lessons in the joy of service

Banished

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 8, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

Two days ago Goddess banished me for a month, I had confessed to her a transgression and begged to be punished. Yesterday I could feel the shame and guilt coursing through me, because of what I did. Goddess has told me not to contact her a few times before for my own good, because she wanted me to learn something. This is only the second time my punishment has been banishment and this is the longest period of time she has ever given me. All the other times when I could not contact her I felt that I had done something wrong and I was not pleasing to her and I was not trying hard enough, yet she has told me to be patient for I have much to learn.

Goddess tells me it is my responsibility to manage my feels and thoughts and to hold myself in love, yet sometimes my thoughts race away and I find myself feeling fear.

This will be an interesting test, Goddess and I have many interests that are the same; one of them is the desire to grow spiritually, we both look at the multiple levels of play in our lives and in our interactions; the friendship we have in this life, the connection as man and woman, the gift exchanged between Domme and sub are but a few. We both know we are spiritual creatures having a human experience and we are mirrors for each others growth. She is my mirror so I may see where I need to grow. I cause my own upsets by the thoughts I hold in my mind. The Dommes power is in controlling access to Her and the male sub has the need of pleasing her and his biology driving him to respond to Her, well there is more to the dynamic, but this is the bare bones. When she denies me contact, I can feel my fears and doubts kick in, and I have been getting better at monitoring my thoughts and feelings and finding my center and holding myself in love.

I screwed up and I got honest about it and I begged to be punished, that is required of me and I must obey. It is easier now to stop the thoughts now that I have started an old meditation. I see now how I can feel the fear forming within my body and how easy it is to let it go and flow through me and I find myself at peace. Goddess told me in the beginning discipline is a gift of Love. When I return I will thank my Goddess for my punishment and I will tell her the lessons I have learned. I have noticed how energy is freeing up in other areas of my life as I do the meditation throughout the day, there have been some interesting shifts.

Another lesson I am learning is to be grateful for the time and attention I do receive, because I know Goddess is a busy woman.

Being True To Oneself

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 6, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

I am now looking at being submissive and what that means to me, my Goddess tells me I have a submissive soul. Recently my Goddess pointed me to an article on submission and I found a blog called submissiveguide.com and as I read the articles I felt at home, I kept seeing everything I had been expressing to my Goddess in what submission meant to me and how I saw a D/s relationship. One of the articles mentioned I have a right to define my submission and as I kept reading I found an incredible freedom washing over me. Other than the conversations I have had with my Goddess, I have had no contact with anyone that lives the lifestyle. My circumstances at the time did not permit me to explore freely what I was discovering about myself.

My searches on the net had bourne little fruit in understanding my submissive nature and mostly I had found the fantasies and the stories men had been writing about. So here I was trying to understand what I was discovering about myself and I knew I desired to be a good submissive for my Goddess and she was telling me I needed to be patient.

The hardest part about the last year has been balancing, my realization that I am submissive, trying to save my marriage and a friendship with a domme. My friend has never lead me on, she has always told me whatever I do I must be true to myself and make my own decisions, she kept reminding me submissives are strong people and as I grew in my understanding of my nature I would find freedom.

As much as I loved my wife and found pleasure in serving her, there was an underlying unhappiness there where needs that were not being met. I was seeking a deeper level of intimacy with my wife and she kept telling me what I wished for was a fantasy and did not exist. One of the most painful things a domme can do to punish a sub is to banish the sub and in many ways I felt like my submissive nature was being ignored, I was being ignored.  I have only realized this in the last week.

To me when I decided to leave I felt like I had betrayed my nature, I was leaving the woman, the Goddess I was committed to so I could discover who I am and be true to myself. When it comes right down to it relationships break up because of a lack of communication and needs are not being met.

I know I need time to be by myself and come to terms with the direction my life is going now and to put to rest a long relationship with a woman I served. My Goddess continues to encourage me to be strong for myself and be patience, because my submissive nature is still unfolding and I have much to learn, she tells me I need some serious training. lol. I respect the Lady very much and how she talks about how true dominants will uplift their slaves, she has been helping me keep my head on straight and me pointed in the right direction.

I had the courage to get honest with myself and do what is right for me. I am feeling happier now and I am looking at possibilities. Maybe one day Goddess will train me, maybe not, the friendship we have is important to us both. I keep remembering something Goddess told about strength, strength for yourself, strength to achieve in the world and strength to submit in a healthy manner.