Archive for strength

Relationships

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 25, 2010 by naturallysubmissive

It takes two people to make a relationship and it takes two people to destroy a relationship, I say this in part to own the fact that I am only 50% responsible for the relationship.

Early in December my first Domme released me and I thought we parted as friends, there was still some communication between us after I was released and then a few weeks later it got ugly. One thing was always mentioned that no matter what we would be friends, yet this is not the case. I can speculate all I want on what my former Dommes motives were, but  it is speculation. I have always been a firm believer communication and two adults being able to work things out or at least be able to reach an understanding where we are civil with each other. I was always honest and open with her in all my feelings and thoughts. She knew I was feeling conflicted between my loyalty to her and the desire to follow a different path and it was showing up in my journal entries that I sent to her, so she knew what was going on with me. In the conversation we had when she released me, she released me so I could pursue the path that was a head of me without feeling conflicted, so I do not why our last communication got ugly. Was she testing me and wanted to see if I would come back to her? I don’t know and may never know, needless to say I am confused.

I see her as an honorable lady and I am grateful for the two years we had together. I still care about her and yet I know I need to move on with my life and be true to myself. I know in my heart I was always honest with her and I am not responsible for her reactions.

Death

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 11, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

Sometimes November is not a easy month for me, my mother passed away in November 10 years ago. The first 5 years after mom was gone I was very aware of the day she passed it was stuck in my mind. A few days ago one of my friends told me her mother had passed away and then I got a phone call from my sister telling me an uncle of mine was getting ready to go. I remember looking at the calendar and see the day and noticing the day of my mothers death was fast approaching as well.

I’ve learned grief  comes in waves and over the years the intensity lessens, this year it hit me hard, I was walking around in a fog for a day. Looking back now I can see I was concerned about a friend who has some health challenges at this time and I was afraid of losing her, because she means so much to me.

Sometimes I wish I did not care so deeply when I connect with someone.  Death has taught me to tell the ones I love they are appreciated in my life and I do not miss the opportunity to let those close to me know that I care for them and they are deeply appreciated and their friendships are valued.

Death is a good thing, it reminds us to live this life to the fullest, with passion and not to coast through it half a sleep. Sometimes it hurts loving another, but I will not close myself off from the joys of loving. Some days it is hard to stand tall and walk with purpose and on those days I crawl, until I can stand again tall and strong. Some days I fall and just want to lie there and never get up again, yet I find myself getting backup and dusting myself off no matter how I feel and I take the next step again.

I like what WInston Churchill said, ‘Never, Never, Never give up’. It  is in the hardest, most painful of times of our lives we find our strength and we learn the lessons of faith.

A New Freedom

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 23, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

I love all the insights that have been showing up recently. I have been feeling this wonderful sense of freedom over the last couple of weeks, I feel free, free to live my life the way I want, do what I want. Looking back I keep wonder why did I let this happen to me, why did I put myself in a situation where I felt like the most important parts of me were cut off and dying. I feel like I have a whole new life in front of me, Hmmmmm… lol this will be number 3.

I love it, I have already lived two lives in one life time and now I get another, the world just got a little bit bigger and brighter. I am very grateful to a friend who believes in me, sometimes we need someone to believe in us, until we can do it for ourselves.

Back In The Old Home

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 19, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

A  couple of days ago I went over to my wife’s house, funny I find myself refering to my old home now as my wife’s house. She had little emergency and she wanted my help. After I fixed what needed to be fixed I went and talked to her, she was crying, I could feel her hurt and sadness rolling off of her and I just looked at her. Everything in me wanted to hold and comfort her, and I could feel my tears breaking free rolling down my face, she is my best friend and I am leaving her to find a better life for myself.  She was happy she told me, she liked how things were.

She doesn’t know how I struggled to be someone I was not just so I could stay, she doesn’t know how hard it has been to find my strength in this and put my needs, my happiness ahead of hers. I kept looking at the love in our lives and all the good we had, hoping she would change, hoping she could learn to reach out to me and touch me. I didn’t want to look at the truth and accept she was unwilling to change. Yet deep down in my heart I knew I would eventually have to leave, I had to find my courage no matter how much it hurt, so I could have the life I want for myself.

I have learned a lot about myself, the days are a little bit easier now.

The words emotional abuse have been running through my mind, this song and dance we have been doing has been hurting us both. And if I was to stay I would be abusing myself even more.

I know one day I will be with someone and I will find the intimacy and connection I have been seeking. I keep thinking ‘in to me see’ it must start with me. The love and connection I am seeking is inside of me and I can feel it at times, there have been some good days recently.

I keep asking my questions and some answers are showing up now and for some I know I must wait.

I keep thinking about something a friend told me, be true to yourself, find our own answers and strength, I am.

Moving On

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 18, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

I feel like I have been stuck in emotional quicksand over the last two years, my focus had been trying to see if I could save my marriage.  I know in my heart I did everything I could,  before I made the decision to leave.  Now that I have made the decision to move on with my life so many insights are showing up. Keeping this daily journal along with the discussions I have been having in Fetlife and reading the posts from people in the Lifestyle has helped immensely.

I’ve learned do not deny who you are it will kill you by inches and do what you need to do to look after yourself.

I have been wondering what I am doing here and I have many reasons and underneath all of them it feels like I am simply looking for a human connection, I want someone to touch me and hold me and tell me they love me and I want to hold them and tell them I love them as well. Such a simple thing and so powerful.

Reality Settling In

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 17, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

I have started reading the posts for newbies in the mentoring groups in Fetlife and I see myself in the discussions. A wide eyed innocent looking for healing.  ~LOL~  I am starting to see things a little bit clearer with each passing day.  I need to get very honest with myself and my processes and how I can use them as an escape.  I have been asking questions and sometimes I get an insightful response and it jogs my thinking and shakes it up enough to help me see things another way. I keep seeing the mistakes I have made in my thinking and beliefs and the problems is has caused me in the past. What is done is done and I will not beat myself up, because it took so long to wake up. This is where I am I must accept it for what it is and let go and move on.

How do I wish to percieve the world today so I show up for myself from a place of strength? What new beliefs and thoughts do I wish to hold? I do not wish to abuse myself anymore, I am the one who was hurting me, because of how I saw things and myself.

With each day I understand why I am not ready and why I must be patient with this journey. Honest, acceptance, the willingness to change are becoming my new mantras.

How Far Will I Go?

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 12, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

My fantasy comes to life, Goddess playing with Her toy.

How far will I go for You Sweet Goddess? How deep will You take me? Can I become strong enough for You and myself to enjoy this journey with You?  What will I learn about You?

I see the fantasy and the dream and wonder who I will become, what do I need to do to grow?

I have been wondering why I want to do this, why I would put myself in Her sadistic hands? Is it the intimacy I have been seeking? Is it to see how deep and wide love can be, when two flow into One? Is God on the otherside or is it sometning else?

Someone I spoke with a little while ago told me, it takes two strong people, otherwise when you add in BDSM to realtionship it is a recipe for disaster. But then again it may also depend on how deep the couple wants to play.

I am learning I must be patient, I will not rush this journey it is important to me.