Archive for tears

Relationships

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 25, 2010 by naturallysubmissive

It takes two people to make a relationship and it takes two people to destroy a relationship, I say this in part to own the fact that I am only 50% responsible for the relationship.

Early in December my first Domme released me and I thought we parted as friends, there was still some communication between us after I was released and then a few weeks later it got ugly. One thing was always mentioned that no matter what we would be friends, yet this is not the case. I can speculate all I want on what my former Dommes motives were, but  it is speculation. I have always been a firm believer communication and two adults being able to work things out or at least be able to reach an understanding where we are civil with each other. I was always honest and open with her in all my feelings and thoughts. She knew I was feeling conflicted between my loyalty to her and the desire to follow a different path and it was showing up in my journal entries that I sent to her, so she knew what was going on with me. In the conversation we had when she released me, she released me so I could pursue the path that was a head of me without feeling conflicted, so I do not why our last communication got ugly. Was she testing me and wanted to see if I would come back to her? I don’t know and may never know, needless to say I am confused.

I see her as an honorable lady and I am grateful for the two years we had together. I still care about her and yet I know I need to move on with my life and be true to myself. I know in my heart I was always honest with her and I am not responsible for her reactions.

Feelings

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 21, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

The last few days have been an emotional turmoil for me, I have had lots of feelings come about my marriage, wife, the relationship with my Domme, a new friend and our relationship and where I am currently in my life.

I have been exploring the Lifestyle online since I left my wife and I have gotten a lot of new information and started to make new friends. I like what is happening, but over the last few days I feel like I need to back up a few steps, so much of what I am experiencing at the moment is very new to me and I’m not sure how to deal with it. Sometimes I’m not even sure I understand what is happening at the moment, other than I feel hurt and afraid and I do not want to hurt those I care about, because of my actions. Yet everything inside of tells me I need to keep walking down this path I am on.

I spoke with my friend today and she is feeling the same way.

I thought about poly many years ago and forgot about it until I met my new friend and now there is something happening where I feel drawn so strongly to both women, my Domme and friend. I’m confused, I’ve never done poly and there is an underlying current that pulls be to these two ladies, I know they are  part of my soul group. I feel a strong connection with both women.

I’ve spent a good part of the day meditating off and on and when I did a body meditation I could feel myself holding onto feelings and as I relaxed the tears started to flow.

A Wounded Healer

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , on November 18, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

Because I have been hurt and I have know pain in my life and I have come to terms with it I can help someone else to heal. I know how to touch someone heart today and help them lessen their burden. I had people that did that with me and now I can pass on the gift to another.

Death

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 11, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

Sometimes November is not a easy month for me, my mother passed away in November 10 years ago. The first 5 years after mom was gone I was very aware of the day she passed it was stuck in my mind. A few days ago one of my friends told me her mother had passed away and then I got a phone call from my sister telling me an uncle of mine was getting ready to go. I remember looking at the calendar and see the day and noticing the day of my mothers death was fast approaching as well.

I’ve learned grief  comes in waves and over the years the intensity lessens, this year it hit me hard, I was walking around in a fog for a day. Looking back now I can see I was concerned about a friend who has some health challenges at this time and I was afraid of losing her, because she means so much to me.

Sometimes I wish I did not care so deeply when I connect with someone.  Death has taught me to tell the ones I love they are appreciated in my life and I do not miss the opportunity to let those close to me know that I care for them and they are deeply appreciated and their friendships are valued.

Death is a good thing, it reminds us to live this life to the fullest, with passion and not to coast through it half a sleep. Sometimes it hurts loving another, but I will not close myself off from the joys of loving. Some days it is hard to stand tall and walk with purpose and on those days I crawl, until I can stand again tall and strong. Some days I fall and just want to lie there and never get up again, yet I find myself getting backup and dusting myself off no matter how I feel and I take the next step again.

I like what WInston Churchill said, ‘Never, Never, Never give up’. It  is in the hardest, most painful of times of our lives we find our strength and we learn the lessons of faith.

Punishment A Lesson Learned

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 7, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

Banishing a submissive is probably the most effective punishment a dominant can give. I know the last month was hard not being able to talk with my Domme. I had to take a look at my neediness and center within myself. I wondered every now and then how my Domme was doing and if I had hurt her, by my actions. Yesterday I had told one of my Domme friends that my banishment was over and she told me how the Domme is also hurt by giving the punishment to the submissive. I’ve been banish 3 times since I have been with my Domme the first two times were for a week and I sulked both times and I did not even think how my Domme would be affected, this time I was banished for a month. When we got back together we talked for a long time. I do not ever want to hurt her because of my actions or behavior. I know she missed me and wanted to reach out, but she needs to be consistent when she punishes me.

I did have time to reflect and think through why I did what I did and why I need to better manage my emotions, when I am upset.

My Reality Has Been Shaken

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 25, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

My path is important to me and it has led me to many places in my life and within myself. And now I find myself here exploring a dark and beautiful world.

I have been making the effort to educate myself to understand what I have been feeling all my life and have finally found a label which makes sense to me. I can see the threads in my life where my submissive nature longed to be fed, the intense desire I have for deep intimate connections. The hunger I feel is all encompassing, it drives me to learn, to explore, to feel this life and all its sensations, to have someone play this instrument that is my body and to feel the music as they play with me, to connect with someone to serve and be devoted.

It is like everything is falling apart and coming together at the same time.

Someone told me one cannot submit in a vacumn they were wrong, you can, you just don’t get what you want, but you can still give.

Emergence

Posted in My Journey with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 24, 2009 by naturallysubmissive

My illusions are falling away.

When I first came across BDSM I thought it was simply people getting their kink on, there is so much more to this world. It is a place of spiritual rebirth for those willing to look within themselves and step outside of box of societal conditioning.