Relationships

It takes two people to make a relationship and it takes two people to destroy a relationship, I say this in part to own the fact that I am only 50% responsible for the relationship.

Early in December my first Domme released me and I thought we parted as friends, there was still some communication between us after I was released and then a few weeks later it got ugly. One thing was always mentioned that no matter what we would be friends, yet this is not the case. I can speculate all I want on what my former Dommes motives were, but  it is speculation. I have always been a firm believer communication and two adults being able to work things out or at least be able to reach an understanding where we are civil with each other. I was always honest and open with her in all my feelings and thoughts. She knew I was feeling conflicted between my loyalty to her and the desire to follow a different path and it was showing up in my journal entries that I sent to her, so she knew what was going on with me. In the conversation we had when she released me, she released me so I could pursue the path that was a head of me without feeling conflicted, so I do not why our last communication got ugly. Was she testing me and wanted to see if I would come back to her? I don’t know and may never know, needless to say I am confused.

I see her as an honorable lady and I am grateful for the two years we had together. I still care about her and yet I know I need to move on with my life and be true to myself. I know in my heart I was always honest with her and I am not responsible for her reactions.

Changes, Relationships and Energy

A lot has changed in the last few weeks, my Domme released me and I think it was for the best for the both of us. I would like to retain the friendship and that remains to be seen if we can allow our relationship to change and evolve and we can now just be friends.

This weekend a friend of mine visited me, we have been playing with energy and have been getting close to each other. I met her for the first time face to face two weeks ago and we behaved like teenagers and couldn’t keep our hands off of each other and this weekend was pretty much the same.  The energy connection between us is amazing and something I have never experienced before. We are both energy workers and over the last few weeks our energetic interactions keep evolving. It used to be just sexual energy and now we find we are touching and exploring other frequencies.

We have been considering each other since I was released and this weekend I asked her if she would accept my gift of submission and she accepted and has offered me the gift of her dominance. I like her alot and in the last two days we have both said we love each other. We are both being cautious and taking things slowly.

Silence

I am learning to be still.

When I see a thought now, I can touch it and watch it dissolve.

Old Patterns

I see myself feeling old feelings, because of the judgements I am holding in my mind where I am being reminded of an old relationship.  I keep focusing on seeing from my heart and it is difficult at this time. When I care about someone I do not want to be upset, I keep letting go. I wonder why must I be the one that is patient all the time? Why am I the one who feels like they are the one making all the effort? It takes two to have a relationship. I just want to be at peace, they are my thoughts and I need to let them go.

I just spent the last 6 days house sitting for my wife taking care of the cats while she visited family for the holidays and it feels like a lot of old feelings and frustrations are coming up.

Peace

I’m keeping things very simple at the moment, I’m letting go of all my thoughts and allowing my feelings to flow. I like the peace and centeredness I am experiencing.

Thanksgiving – Alone

Yesterday was the first time I have spent a major holiday by myself and I wasn’t sure how I would feel. The holiday is a time for families getting together and being grateful. I enjoyed the solitude, not having to rush anywhere , listening to the same repetitive tired old conversations that happen when families get together.

I grew to hate the holiday dinners growing up, there was a lot of stress in my family around the holiday times when e got together. When I was introduced to my wifes family I enjoyed them, because they actually had fun and laughed and everything seemed so serious in the home I grew.

Someone told me as we grow up we have the opportunity to create a new family for ourselves.

 

New Relationships, New Ways Of Seeing

One of my questions is how many ways can I love or how many ways can  learn to love you?

I have been experimenting with sharing sexual energy with a new friend and our relationship has gone in an interesting direction, she is poly and has been introducing me to her extended family. I thought about poly a long time ago, but it was more in the terms of having multiple sex partners, than the complete dynamic that is entailed in poly relationships. Communication and honesty is key.

The thought occurred to me that if we are the All/Divine love aren’t we having one big poly relationship only we have gotten caught up in believing we are separate.

I’ve stepped outside of my comfort zone and I’m finding myself confused. I am experiencing emotions with an intesity I have not felt before.

Detach With Love

Sometimes I care too much about people that are close to me and I can make myself nuts, being overly concerned. I hurt myself when I do this.  I can care and say what needs to be said then I need to let go.

Feelings

The last few days have been an emotional turmoil for me, I have had lots of feelings come about my marriage, wife, the relationship with my Domme, a new friend and our relationship and where I am currently in my life.

I have been exploring the Lifestyle online since I left my wife and I have gotten a lot of new information and started to make new friends. I like what is happening, but over the last few days I feel like I need to back up a few steps, so much of what I am experiencing at the moment is very new to me and I’m not sure how to deal with it. Sometimes I’m not even sure I understand what is happening at the moment, other than I feel hurt and afraid and I do not want to hurt those I care about, because of my actions. Yet everything inside of tells me I need to keep walking down this path I am on.

I spoke with my friend today and she is feeling the same way.

I thought about poly many years ago and forgot about it until I met my new friend and now there is something happening where I feel drawn so strongly to both women, my Domme and friend. I’m confused, I’ve never done poly and there is an underlying current that pulls be to these two ladies, I know they are  part of my soul group. I feel a strong connection with both women.

I’ve spent a good part of the day meditating off and on and when I did a body meditation I could feel myself holding onto feelings and as I relaxed the tears started to flow.

Busy

The last month has been busy, I have a project at work that has been occupying a good bit of my time and it has a tight deadline, my part will be done in the next few days.

I have met some interesting people in the last few weeks and I am curious what I will discover as I get to know them. I have a dear friend that I have been worried about and she can occupy my mind. Funny how you can care about someone and feel so powerless to help them, so I keep letting go, praying she will be alright and try to focus on other things.

I met someone who plays with erotic energy and we have had some very interesting experiences, she has invited me to participate in a couple of rituals and the energy connection is intense.

I am realizing I need to find a balance with my friends and the things I desire to do for myself.